Negotiation is at the heart of every professional and personal interaction. Whether it’s closing a business deal, negotiating a salary, or even discussing plans with family, the way we communicate, listen, and engage with others is crucial. Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference offers powerful insights into the art of negotiation, drawing from his experience as an FBI hostage negotiator. Recently, I had the pleasure of discussing some of these techniques with Susan Borke of BorkeWorks, a negotiation expert. Our conversation deepened my understanding of how to apply these tactics in everyday scenarios, especially one of my key takeaways, the Feelings Wheel, which I’ll dive into later.
Mirroring and Active Listening
One of the standout techniques from Never Split the Difference is mirroring. It’s a simple yet highly effective method for showing someone that you’re actively listening to them. Essentially, you repeat the last few words the other person said in a calm, neutral tone. This encourages them to elaborate further, giving you more insight into their thoughts and emotions.
Susan and I explored this technique in detail during our discussion. She pointed out that while mirroring can work wonders, it’s not for everyone. Some people might get frustrated, especially in high-stakes situations where they feel like they’ve already explained themselves. That’s when it’s important to use paraphrasing or summarizing, which both Voss and Susan recommend. Paraphrasing allows you to restate the essence of what someone said, helping clarify the message while ensuring the other party feels heard.
One thing Susan highlighted is the importance of adapting these techniques to the situation and the person you’re dealing with. As we discussed, high-level individuals may not always appreciate mirroring but may respond better to a well-timed paraphrase or a follow-up question. The trick is to remain flexible, which Voss emphasizes throughout his book.
The Power of Labeling Emotions
Another key technique from Never Split the Difference is labeling emotions. This involves recognizing and naming the emotions that the other party might be feeling. It’s a great way to diffuse tension and foster trust during a negotiation. However, understanding and identifying emotions accurately can be tricky, especially in high-pressure environments.
During our conversation, Susan introduced the concept of the Feelings Wheel; a tool that breaks down core emotions into more specific feelings. This tool can be incredibly helpful when trying to label emotions in a nuanced way. For example, instead of just recognizing that someone is “angry,” you might realize they’re actually feeling “frustrated” or “resentful.” This allows you to address their specific feelings more effectively, helping you navigate the conversation with greater empathy and precision.
This idea really resonated with me because it’s easy to oversimplify emotions during a negotiation, especially when things get tense. By getting more granular with emotions, as Susan suggested, we can foster deeper connections and reach more constructive outcomes. I’ve started applying this in my coaching sessions, and it’s been a game changer.
Navigating Digital Negotiations
In today’s digital world, many negotiations take place over Zoom, email, or phone calls, which limits our ability to read body language and facial expressions. Voss emphasizes the importance of paying attention to non-verbal cues, but how can we do that when we only have a screen or a voice to rely on?
Susan shared some practical advice here as well. She mentioned how essential it is to be mindful of tone and word choice in digital communications. In emails, for instance, taking the time to craft your message carefully can prevent misunderstandings. On Zoom calls, using active listening techniques and asking thoughtful follow-up questions can help ensure you’re fully engaging with the other party, even if you can’t read their body language.
These insights align perfectly with one of the most critical lessons from Never Split the Difference, staying present. Whether you’re face-to-face or communicating digitally, being fully engaged in the moment and listening carefully will always yield better results.
Final Thoughts
Never Split the Difference teaches us that negotiation is not just about getting what you want, it’s about understanding the other person’s needs, emotions, and motivations. By applying techniques like mirroring, labeling emotions, and adapting to different communication platforms, you can become a more effective negotiator both in business and in life. And don’t forget about the Feelings Wheel! As Susan and I discussed, understanding emotions on a deeper level can make all the difference in your interactions.
So next time you find yourself in a negotiation, try some of these tactics. You might be surprised at how much more effective, and less stressful, your conversations become!
